Senator Inhofe Denies He's Responsible for that Awful Smell

The Most Honorable, compassionate, visionary and incredibly independent Republican Senator from Oklahoma, Jim Inhofe, declared yesterday that the awful smell filling his office did not come from any of his orifices. Though alone in his office during the assumed emission of the putrid stank - and despite his secretary's assurances that she has never smelled anything "Ucky or un-Inhofe" in the air - proof is growing that the smell, a strange mix of sulfur, garlic and toejam, did indeed originate from the Senator.

"Noah's Ark... This smell, and any allegations that it came from me, is the greatest myth perpetuated since Global Warming..." said the Senator, who has represented Oklahoma since the mid-90s, and oftens uses Biblical references to support indefensible positions. "Solomon, Mary and Joseph..." muttered the Senator afterward, repeating that global warming is a "hoax."

Senator Inhofe's bold declaration - again despite unanimous agreement otherwise, with pages, other Senators and secretaries cringing and nearly vomiting when passing by Inhofe's office - received a majority of support from his home-state of Oklahoma. Being nearly 2,500 miles away, Oklahomans simply could not smell the Senator's stank, but one voter summed their near-universal position: "If Jim says so, David and Goliath, then it's so..."

In addition to the hoax of global warming, the Senator's history of fierce declarations that seem to defy scientific and popular proof include saying that no fetuses were killed to make his egg salad sandwich, and that he is fully independent. Being from Oklahoma - a state Inhofe says has no history of oil drilling - the Senator reminded everyone of his kind and compassionate statements after the Oklahoma City bombing, paraphrasing himself: "There were fewer deaths on that day because the workers were, after all, government employees, Joshua fit the battle, and it was only 9am, so they were still getting their coffee..."

At time of this posting, no more smells have come from Senator Inhofe's office - ever since the door has been closed, that is.

Meanwhile, proof that icecaps are melting and polar bears will become extinct remain debateable: "Next thing you'll say is that those beans I ate last night has something to do with this stink-hoax... Genesis, Abraham, David... You people believe everything educated researchers say... Israel, Apocalypse... Fill'er up, too bad this SUV doesn't run on all those dinosaurs you crackpots say once wandered this Earth..."

THE STUPENDOUS, SAD, and just stupid - Best of the Week

Few news items could beat the story which tops 2006 as the "BEST" but 2007 has already offered some strong contenders... In case you missed it, 2006's top story was:

Plane Lands after Matches used to Hide Odor
- A Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville in late December 2006 when several passengers reported "smelling burning sulfer" - - The cause? Matches of course... But it's the reason for lighting those matches that makes this story the BEST OF 2006...
A woman on board "admitted that she struck the matches in an effort to conceal a 'body odor,'" saying that she had an "unspecified medical condition" the woman was removed from the flight in Nashville and not allowed to reboard onto Dallas.
The lesson? Next time your "medical condition" is causing you and others discomfort, don't do what she did, especially (as politely reported in the New York Times) "to disguise the scent of flatulence."

The first week of 2007 has offered multiple heroes and more silence from President Bush about his next, even bolder, plans for Iraq. Still, news from The Hill makes our list:

#3 Best: Republicans complain of being locked-out of Dem-controlled Congress - Hypocrisy is oh too funny... Obviously, Speaker Pelosi's first 100 hours echoes the GOP's past 12 years...

#2 Best: (note - if not for the abundance of coverage, this story would have won...) Wesley Autrey's jumping onto the tracks to save a student having a seizure - Damn, man, you just made us all look weak - raising the question: Would Rudy G. have done the same?

AND, drumroll please...

#1 Best News Item of the Week:
2001 Accident Survivor Dies - Anthony Castillo, who in 2001 miraculously survived a car crash that killed his entire immediate family, died in a car crash on New Year's Day. The irony, ouch...