Best and Worst of the Week

Note - Finding any "best" was rather difficult this week... Resembling a tuna noodle casserole - a strange mix, each ingredient rather unappealing, combining to create something that needs potato chips on top to make it tastier.

#3 The Perp Walk at Scooter's CIA Trial
Who's next? G. Gordon Liddy? "Scooter" Libby's perjury trial has seen so many questionable characters - Ari "Don't listen to me" Fleischer, Judish "Oops, Again" Miller, and David "Don't Quote Me on This" Addington - that is resembled more of a police lineup than trial. Former White House spokesman Fleischer has immunity, former NY Times reporter Miller fears more months in jail, and Cheney's counsel Addington is so secretive that the mere sunlight in the courtroom gave him a tan... This is our government at work, all working for our "Commander in Chief" and "decision-maker" (but more on that as #2)

#2 "The Decider"
Forget the Iraq War, Katrina, Domestic Spying, tax breaks for everyone but who really needs them... George W. Bush reassured all of us he's in charge as "the decider" - 20,000+ more troops for Iraq; $400 billion wasted - - We eager await his next decision YAYYYY

And, drum-roll please...
#1
Tax breaks passed with Minimum Wage Hike Bill
What? Wait... We're we trying to help the most needy? Right? No? Oh, okay... I get it... Cut those taxes - China's underwriting our debt anyway... Immigration? Health Care? Renewable Energy? Baby Boomers retiring? Those damn taxes are still too high - if we're going to give our lowest workers almost a dollar more per hour, we better save business billions....
Our Founding Fathers would be proud.

Pelosi Exhausts Cheney during State of the Union

No Word on When We Must Stop Supporting Troops

The State of the Union address by President Bush offered many new initiatives - taxing those who actually have health care, reducing America's oil consumption by drilling for more oil, and both support for and fear of Shiites. But none was as obvious as that visually portrayed by new House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who consistently leapt out of her chair faster than VP Dick Cheney.

As if a tack were on her seat, Pelosi regularly jumped upward, her figure to right side of the screen proving faster and more eager than that of Vice President Cheney. Lacking multiple heart attacks and threats of indictments, Pelosi proved herself up to the task: A speedy House Speaker with strong legs and fast hands, standing and applauding whenever the president mentioned a subject of interest to her.

Meanwhile, Cheney looked very old. Except when any mention of the military or cutting taxes was made, the Vice President was a corpse compared to the vibrant House Speaker sitting at his side.

What all could agree on - both Cheney and Pelosi leaving their posteriors to stand and applaud with equal vigor - was the mention of "our troops." Though none could explain how America can afford unending war - nor why we must pay for the reconstruction of an oil-rich country - everyone in attendance showed blatant support for the military. Mostly due to the fact that few of them have served in the armed forces, and all of the Bush Administration actually avoided service, our elected leaders wildly applauded the fact that the vast majority of taxpayer monies go towards what we cannot - and due to their "classified" nature - will never know.

Things to look for in the future: Threatening of Social Security in order to "save" it; Jim Webb carrying that picture of his father everywhere; Nancy Pelosi in the gym, working her legs for the next State of the Union; and, most of all, more applause for the heroic men and women of the armed forces, who none of our elected leaders are related to, nor care to know, but gladly applaud - then fund companies that make predator drones and space-aged lasers.

Potential Assassin Baffled by Obama and/or Clinton for Prez

In a rare interview with would-be assassin Joe Scheckler, the possible gunman admitted sudden confusion over the recent announcements by both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama of their intentions to run for president in 2008.

"Honestly, a few weeks ago, I was much more confident." confided Scheckler, an unemployed woodworker/pizza delivery driver/cock-fighting referee, "I had my sights quite literally set on Obama because, well, you know... But now, with Hillary running, I'm really torn. It has become a real toss-up."

Though described as a "wacko" and "nutjob" by his friends and fellow would-be assassin peers, Scheckler sounds quite serious when saying that he will actually do something this time.

"Lots of people remind me of my failed attempt on Dennis Kucinich," mourns Scheckler, sitting in his studio apartment in a suburb near you, remembering how he actually packed a brown-bag lunch and started his car - apparently ready to attend a speech by the forgotten Democratic presidential candidate in 2004 but lacking a gun because Scheckler is opposed to the NRA and its platform, "But what most don't mention is that I stopped because it would have made him more famous. I mean, really, Dennis Kucinich? What was I thinking? He could have gotten like ten more votes..."

Solely focused on Democratic targets, when Scheckler was asked why he doesn't consider Republicans, his face turned red, "I know, I know... Bush One, Two, Cheney, McCain... I really got lost the past few years. With losing my job delivering pizzas and the lack of woodworking projects as well as cock-fighting venues in the area... But that's all history. Now, if I could just decide which would be better - the woman or half-Kenyan... Something big, as soon as I make up my mind, something big."

However ominous he may sound, the majority of Scheckler's friends (2 of 3 total) said that he will probably again lose interest, instead focusing on another season of "American Idol." As expressed by one associate, who asked to remain anonymous - nor be referred to as a "friend" of would-be assassin Joe Scheckler:

"Joe's a good guy. He's just lacking gumption. If he could do one thing well, that would be a day to remember. Like get a job, wow, what a day - - But he's Joe, so we all listen to his talk of assassinating someone... Isn't that what friends do?"

AG Gonzales sends Domestic Spying back to FISA Court

No Word on Bush's Jail Sentence

In an overdue acknowledgement of the law, the highest law official in the country, Attorney General Alberto "Don't Call Me Speedy" Gonzales is allowing the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court (FISA) to do its job and actually oversee foreign intelligence surveillance by the Bush Administration.

In an move that he called "innovative," the AG - who overlooked the Bush Administration's breaking of the 25+ year old FISA law - is returning jurisdiction of all domestic and international snooping to where it belongs. Very big of him...

Not included in the announcement are any details on the Bush Administration's recent use of a signing statement to approve the opening of Americans' mail, nor how many years George W. Bush will serve for breaking the law.

Sadly, this isn't sarcasm or a joke...

Under FISA law, Bush should be serving several years in prison for breaking the law, as well as paying significant fines. But his appointed Attorney General seems unable to actually enforce any existing laws, but rather defy or redefine those that serve his boss's interests.

Wow, what's next? VP Cheney not held to account for his gathering of false intelligence in the run-up to the Iraq war? Oh, sorry, that's already happening too... Should we all be rooting for "Scooter" Libby in hopes that he gets a mistrial once his former-boss's dark cloak is revealed, as well as the many misdeeds we don't know about yet?

These are sad days for America. Great times for comedians and dictators; still, sad days indeed.

"MLK has been detained..." grunts Cheney, as his week begins

Best (and worst) of the Week

Dick Cheney is all over the news, and makes our "BEST (and worst) of the Week" list on multiple counts (and in multiple courts):

#3: Abramoff abettors
The fallout continues - last week the former #2 official of the Interior Department was notified that he will be indicted for lying about his relationship with lobbyist Jack Abramoff - J. Steven Griles has highly dubious company, including Tom Delay, bringing scrutiny to the Bush Administration - and the curious resignation of Sue Ellen Wooldridge, a senior Justice Department official.
Question: When will former Interior Department Secretary Gail Norton get indicted? Who else in the Bush Admin. will be outed as another of Abramoff's "Our guy?"

#2a: Pentagon and CIA are snooping on America - What a surprise...
New documents show that the Pentagon and CIA are breaking the law by issuing "national security letters" to obtain financial records on Americans - which breaks the law - but something vice president Dick Cheney comforted us all by saying is a "perfectily legitimate activity"

#2b: Scooter stands trial
Former chief of staff to Dick Cheney goes on trial this week - Will he still be on crutches for sympathy? - Raising another question: What can Cheney possible say on the stand that won't be perjury?

And... DRUM ROLL PLEASE...

#1: Rusty, the overweight Labrador
On a less serious and scandalous note, in Britain two brothers were found guilty of overfeeding their dog named Rusty. Weighing more than 150 pounds, unable to walk more than 6 steps, Rusty simply couldn't say no to another feeding... The two brothers have briefly lost custody of Rusty, and since, the dog is much slimmer and spunkier, after losing 45 pounds. The brothers, under order from the court, are not allowed to let their dog "put on any weight."

Holier Than Thou - GOP upstages Dems on Earmarks

Overshadowed by the debate over Iraq's future and "the surge" was heavy maneuvering on The Hill Thursday regarding earmarking - and a Republican's amendment to include sacred items included in military contracts and civil engineering projects that account for the vast majority of total annual earmarked funds.

A potential black eye for the Dems' promised ethics push, Republican Senator Jim DeMint of South Carolina introduced an amendment to a proposed bill on making earmarks more "transparent," offering a shot-over-the-bow to rather lackluster Dem rewrites of ethics laws. The original bill only required disclosure of individual lawmakers sponsoring a small fraction of earmarks and, astonishingly, specifically excluded all earmarks dispensed through military contracts and civil engineering projects, which are the largest of pool of earmarks in the federal government. Senator DeMint's amendment included such earmarks, both embarrassing Dem leadership and exposing weaknesses in the proposed bill.

Curiously, Dem leadership actually attempted - but failed - to block DeMint's proposal in a vote of 51 to 49. Equally perplexing was Dem leader Senator Harry Reid offering his own amendment that appears to apply to all earmarks - only after DeMint's - saying that "Earmark disclosure will be a major change in the way the Senate works... We should adopt the Reid-McConnell version..."

Are the Dems trying to control every aspect of legislation - flaws and all - only accepting modifications when the GOP offers embarrassing (maybe more effective) amendments? What a 180-degree flip in less than a week... Real reform only comes via bipartisanship - As the last decade has shown, one-party rule amounts to suspect inside deals and, of course, anonymous earmarks.

Hopefully a lesson has been learned, as summed by Senator DeMint: "...the public's going to know from Day 1 that the idea of being open and transparent is just a scam."

Real Time President

As apologetic as he can get, the following text was taken verbatim from President George W. Bush's address to the nation, 9 EST
Note: "surge" not used once, nor Somalia (which we've been bombing in the past week); however the term "safe haven" used thrice



the new strategy... help succeed in the fight against unified and democratic nation
we thought these elections
with fewer American troops... the opposite happened
mortal danger
innocent Iraqis
calculated effort to provoke some supported by Iran... death-squads unacceptable to the American people, and unacceptable to me everything we’ve asked them to do
rests with me
both parties, our allies abroad and distinguished scholars we agreed there is no magic formula
failure in Iraq would be a disaster ...gain new recruits... topple moderate governments
use oil revenues
safe haven
September Eleventh Two-Thousand and One
For the sake of
80% of Iraq’s sectarian violence occurs within 30 miles of
too many restrictions on the troops
let me explain the main elements of this plan: 2 deputies 9 districts
local police stations going door to door to gain the trust
but for it to succeed they need our help a campaign to put down sectarian violence
committed 20,000 additional troops 5 brigades to Baghdad
well defined mission
protect the local population
the security Baghdad needs
but when our forces moved on... the killers returned
political and sectarian interference
this time, Iraqi and American forces will have green light
not be tolerated
I’ve made clear to America’s commitment is not open-ended
lose the support of the
the Prime Minister understands this
just last week
no safe haven
no immediate end to suicide bombings
every effort
our television screens filled
gain confidence in their leaders
make progress in other critical areas
goes beyond military operations
visible improvements to the benchmarks
take security
give every Iraqi a steak
share oil revenues
committed to a better life
Ten Billion
empower local leaders
de-Baathification laws
amendments to Iraq’s constitution
increase the embedding
larger and bigger army
greater flexibility to spend funds
provincial reconstruction teams
Secretary Rice will
pursue Al Qaeda
A captured Al Qaeda document
radical Islamic Empire... launching new attacks
killing and capturing Al Qaeda leaders
our commanders believe we have a
4,000 troops America’s men and women
safe haven
succeeding in Iraq
stabilizing the region in the face
addressing Iran and Syria
material support interrupt... protecting American interest
carrier strike group
reassure our friends and allies
preventing Iran from America’s full diplomatic
Egypt, Jordan and the gulf states need to understand
these nations have a steak
we endorse the Iraqi government’s
Secretary Rice will
more than a military conflict
the most realistic way to protect the American people
by advancing liberty
standing with the brave men and women
just and hopeful
from Afganistan to Lebanon to the Palestinian and they are looking at Iraq
will America draw
the changes I’ve outlined
fighting for its life
American security without conscience
deadly acts will continue
we can expect
will not look like the ones
no surrender on a battleship

a functioning democracy upholds the rule of law and answers to its people

instead of harboring them
many are concerned
mass killings troops being forced
the current cycle of violence
we can hasten
fully briefed
we will adjust
honorable people
our views up to scrutiny
how the path they propose will be more likely to succeed
Joe Lieberman me and my administration our relationship
increase the size of the active mobilize talented war and tyranny
blessed with extraordinary men and women
noble and necessary far from their families...
we mourn the loss of every fallen American
worthy of their sacrifice
more patience, sacrifice and
the burdens of freedom
America is engaged
we can and we will prevail
the author of liberty will... thank you and good night

The Fog of Aging

Living With - And Learning to Love - Alzheimer's

On October 26, 2005, my grandmother passed. Some may take exception to my using the term "passed" – and the fact that I didn’t attend her Friday funeral – to me, though, my grandmother died over five years ago.

Anna Bliss Lockwood was another victim of Alzheimer’s.

We are all victims, not just my family, but everyone in due time. Forget Avian Flu, AIDS, even Iraq... Chances are good that we will all witness our parents – and one another – waste away. No cure for Alzheimer’s exists, and for the first time, in 2004, it became the #1 killer of people over 75 in New York City. More people die of Alzheimer’s than car accidents and breast cancer, and over 43% of people over 85 already have it.

As the average American’s life expectancy increases, so does the certainty of affliction.

My grandmother made it to 87, but we have been watching her fade since 1998, slowly yet consistently, forgetting our names then herself until finally, mercifully, descending into an abyss of amnesia. Only heightening the tragedy was the reality that the normal rituals of confronting a terminal illness within a family don’t apply to this evil disease.

My father’s phone call that Wednesday was cathartic: "I just wanted you to know that your grandmother died this morning..." His voice was calm, casual, more courteous than concerned: Relieved.

Having cared for her every need, moving his mother time and again, counseling with doctors and nurses, loyal and loving, even my father’s deep well of grief ran dry by the end. As it clouds its victim’s mind, Alzheimer’s also breeds a level of indifference among those involved – He and we have been mourning far too long already.

* * *

First identified by German psychiatrist Alois Alzheimer in 1906, the disease that bears his name is the overriding cause of what is generically called dementia. The plague of age, at least 60% of cases of dementia are due to Alzheimer’s: clumps or clusters of dying or dead nerve cells ("plaque") that impair normal brain activity. Early signs are short-term memory lapses, oftentimes frustration, confusion, then recurring forgetfulness, eventually leading to outright incapacity.

Seven years ago, during a visit to her home in Florida, my father noticed how his mother seemed almost lost, forgetting her keys, to lock the door, turn off the stove... Too obvious and dangerous to allow her to continue to live alone, we moved her north. This is perhaps the hardest moment; stripping the independence from an elder; a child forced to confront their parent with the reality that they are no longer fit to live on their own. My grandmother took this especially hard; she was, if anything, an independent woman.

A child of The Great Depression, Anna Bliss was unofficially orphaned at an early age, sent to live and work for another family because hers couldn’t afford to feed her. Hard work and personal sacrifice were givens, and marrying William Lockwood only added to her stoicism. My grandfather was a wildcat, working the oil fields of Pennsylvania, a speculator, later buying several bankrupt farms to rebuild and resell. Together, my grandparents reincarnated at least four farms, tending to hundreds of acres and head of cattle, while also raising four children.
As a result, my father knows three hometowns. Itinerant, the family was regularly moving, rebuilding then reselling. Starting with a derelict house and barn depleted of livestock, years of work and wealth would be invested – floors and roofs replaced, fields and stables teeming, equipment upgraded – until it was finally showing a profit. And when that fixer-upper was finally starting to feel like home (schools attended, friends made) it was time for them to find another. After all, this was their life (and business): Buying low, moving, rebuilding, hopefully selling high, moving again – the only life my grandmother ever knew.

Ironically, such temporary acquisitions introduced her to the disease that would ultimately claim her. One of my grandparents’ last investments was a nursing home: Filled with older patients, many with dementia (Alzheimer’s wasn’t fully studied or understood, yet), my grandmother was all too familiar with loss. Her experience would make her a dreadful ward once afflicted.

Knowing the ins and outs of nursing homes, my grandmother was quick to point out how inept the nurses were, that they couldn’t keep her there without her consent; she believed she knew the rules better than any... Packed and ready to leave every morning, complaining all day when informed that she couldn’t, at times attacking her caretakers, she was regularly sedated (at times strapped-down to her bed) at night. It was an immediate and vicious cycle that got her evicted from her first nursing home within months. It wouldn’t be the last.

* * *

Finally, my father found the right place for his mother: A former hospital in Cuba, New York, now fully dedicated to Alzheimer’s. A twenty-block area of New York City has more residents than this rural region; still, a three-story hospital with multiple wings is now exclusively reserved for this disease. The screams rarely cease and smell of piss permeates my grandmother’s final residence.

Upon entering for the first – and second-to-last – time, an ugly thought hit me: "This is the future..."

Our country cannot afford Alzheimer’s. As fiscally draining as war, over $114 billion is spent each year on doctors, nurses, tests, drugs (none of which are intended to cure the disease, but to allay its effects), home and adult day care, etc. This extraordinary annual expense – more than the budgets of the Departments of Commerce, Education, Justice, Labor, Energy, and Interior combined – doesn’t approach its the true, total cost: Economists estimate that an additional $61 billion in productivity is lost due to employees having to leave work to care for afflicted relatives. This is a war – Alzheimer’s annual toll of $175 billion could underwrite another invasion, or at least rebuild New Orleans.

To-date, around 5 million Americans have Alzheimer’s, and another 500,000 new cases are diagnosed each year – around 50,000 died in 2005 of this disease. These numbers are alarmingly inaccurate however; even experts admit that many more cases go misidentified or unreported for years; the initial symptoms are subtle, while full-blown incapacity takes a few years to set-in. Alzheimer’s is terminal within 7-10 years, with each year requiring $150,000 for professional care. Care is the operative word; again, there is no cure.

Nevertheless, there remains the reality that my grandmother’s death certificate will most likely say that it was pneumonia, not Alzheimer’s, that ultimately killed her. No one dies of this disease. Malnutrition, debilitated immune systems, and/or involuntary injuries are often the "official" causes of death; over those seven years in institutions, my grandmother suffered three broken ribs, a fractured skull, innumerable bruises and internal bleeding because she was constantly wandering from her bed and/or wheelchair and falling. Any one of these falls could have been fatal, but again, the actual cause – Alzheimer’s – is only now being consistently cited. This has led to a dramatic (yet superficial) increase in actual reported cases: In 1999, Alzheimer’s didn’t even appear in the Top 10 of leading causes of death, while more vigorous reporting since has propelled it into the Top 5.

Soon it will be #1. Ten of millions of Baby Boomers are about to retire, and none are eager to confront what awaits: pensions precarious, retiree health care benefits subject to the whims of executives, shareholders and politicians, this generation will surely bankrupt our nation. Without a cure, 12-15 million Americans will have Alzheimer’s within decades. Multiplied by the average (current) annual cost of $150,000 for care, that’s $1,800,000,000,000. Nearly 2 trillion dollars – surely more, given the spiraling costs of health care – soon our entire national budget will go towards those afflicted.

When framed by this disease, our advances will be our demise. We are all living longer (those with Alzheimer’s included), which will soon force us to ask the unthinkable:

Should Living Wills include Alzheimer’s – And be required of all Americans?

More importantly (and divisively):

Will Euthanasia for those afflicted be essential for our survival?

* * *

By the end, it was rare to find my grandmother not bandaged and/or strapped to her wheelchair. Strangely though, another, rather beautiful, reality arose. This dreadful disease, the one that will make my father’s generation an impossible burden to mine, actually has a benefit. In this instance, at least...

My grandmother had been transformed in many ways: her lifetime of memories were erased, her active body bloated from medications, her hard-earned savings depleted from years of professional care, and she was no longer packing every morning to leave, rather resigned, really.

Most – and best – of all, though, she wasn’t such a bitch.

Not to taint a departed soul (most of all a relation) but, in addition to being highly independent in her pre-Alzheimer’s life, my grandmother was also a rather nasty lady. Opinionated to the point of ignorance, racist, and incredibly rude to my mother (who will never be good enough for her son), I avoided her, gravitating at an early age to my other grandmother. This one was mean as hell; she could bake the best rhubarb pies but that seemed her sole attraction.

Shockingly, however, in her final years, she became sweet as sugar. A darling, the grandmother I always imagined; even my mother liked her – but understandably thought it all a ruse, waiting for the return of that disapproving bitch from before. But she never did... Aged but reborn, child-like, though in restraints she was still the nicest old lady you’ll ever meet.

Thanks to Alzheimer’s, I received a new grandmother: The one I’ll always remember.

And it was this grandmother that I kissed farewell, forever, that last Christmas. I knew it was the final time I’d see her, alive at least, and after kissing her on the forehead and telling her that I love her, she gave me the sweetest smile. Looking up at me from her wheelchair, blue eyes sparkling, left cheek bruised from a fall earlier that week, dentures stained from lunch, I have never been the recipient of a more precious gaze. And she stared a little longer, those blue eyes still sparkling but going distant, and then she did the weirdest thing.

"I’m sorry."

Startled, saddened by her impromptu apology, I begged, "What are you sorry for?"

Eyes lowering, seeing that strap around her bloated belly, grasping it and giving it a tug, she explained, "I want to thank you for coming to visit me... But I can’t remember your name..."

So I knelt low and took her hand in mine, caressing my grandmother, our eyes met one last time.

"That’s okay, Gram. I know who you are."

THE STUPENDOUS, SAD, and just stupid - Best of the Week

Few news items could beat the story which tops 2006 as the "BEST" but 2007 has already offered some strong contenders... In case you missed it, 2006's top story was:

Plane Lands after Matches used to Hide Odor
- A Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville in late December 2006 when several passengers reported "smelling burning sulfer" - - The cause? Matches of course... But it's the reason for lighting those matches that makes this story the BEST OF 2006...
A woman on board "admitted that she struck the matches in an effort to conceal a 'body odor,'" saying that she had an "unspecified medical condition" the woman was removed from the flight in Nashville and not allowed to reboard onto Dallas.
The lesson? Next time your "medical condition" is causing you and others discomfort, don't do what she did, especially (as politely reported in the New York Times) "to disguise the scent of flatulence."

The first week of 2007 has offered multiple heroes and more silence from President Bush about his next, even bolder, plans for Iraq. Still, news from The Hill makes our list:

#3 Best: Republicans complain of being locked-out of Dem-controlled Congress - Hypocrisy is oh too funny... Obviously, Speaker Pelosi's first 100 hours echoes the GOP's past 12 years...

#2 Best: (note - if not for the abundance of coverage, this story would have won...) Wesley Autrey's jumping onto the tracks to save a student having a seizure - Damn, man, you just made us all look weak - raising the question: Would Rudy G. have done the same?

AND, drumroll please...

#1 Best News Item of the Week:
2001 Accident Survivor Dies - Anthony Castillo, who in 2001 miraculously survived a car crash that killed his entire immediate family, died in a car crash on New Year's Day. The irony, ouch...

Don't Dare Live This Book - a book review by "Karl Rove"

Note: For those wondering where Karl Rove has been since the Dems defeated the GOP in the 2006 elections, well, he's been doing book reviews for www.bradthescribe.blogspot.com

Book Details:
"The Big Green Apple"
Subtitle: Your Guide to Eco-Friendly Living in New York City
AKA: Simple Ways You Can Make a Difference (and Why It’s a Good Idea)
Publisher: Insiders’ Guide; Imprint of Globe Pequot Press
Author: Ben Jervey
Price/Pages: $14.95/287 pages
Available on Amazon and everywhere, unfortunately...

I recently heard a rumor that if they built “The Freedom Tower” green, it would create enough renewable energy to power all of Ground Zero, maybe lower Manhattan up to Midtown. Not knowing what “green” means, I had to do a little digging...

Using existing technologies – extensive green roofs (I presume to grow marijuana and poppies), building-integrated photovoltaics, geothermal plumbing with high performing subterranean heat pumps – some believe this would be a true symbol of national pride and patriotism. Capped by a giant windmill, the renamed Revolution Tower (thus renaming the area “Rover Manhattan” for easier branding by my developer and real estate broker allies) to my astonishment, it was whispered, hot and wet into my ear, that this one structure would generate power and prestige with every turn.

Maybe I am inciting, even inventing, this rumor, but it could never compare to what we’re actually building on Ground Zero: a beautiful concrete-reinforced bunker rising to 1,776’, secured by my friends at KBR. For the uninformed, 9-11 widows endorse only fossil fuels, and we have the backing of most coal miners – albeit very few of their widows. Still, “The Freedom Tower” will rise: 4” blades will be allowed, but try entering with any of that photovoltaic glass and our men in brown shirts will break it!

My reason for sharing this rumor is to restate our plans, reinforce my patriotism, and denounce one particular book. I am opposed to environmental responsibility: It isn’t American. Sure, we’re addicted to oil, as my buddy Dubya recently misspoke, but if you’re truly honest with yourself, polar bears are dangerous beasts deserving extinction and “eco-friendly living” is an oxymoron: We won, nature lost.

Hippies, go buy a bag of goofballs; anyone talking “Green” is either a Dem donor or in cahoots with ELF – Just ask the FBI and NSA.

And now comes Ben Jervey and his book “The Big Green Apple.” For full disclosure, I do admit to meeting this man, smelled no body odor or patchouli; he was even wearing khakis! An impostor, clean-cut and articulate – armed to invade – I am calling on all Americans to buy and burn his book!

The nerve of an author to think big but act small – Go back to Walden Pond and write ballads with Don Henley, desperado! Telling me that Woody Harrelson’s Hemp suit could have been made of silk and equally “eco-friendly”! Citing “facts” about seven million of my New York neighbors riding mass transit! Obviously you’ve never ridden in my stretch Hummer limousine: Floating high above, reinforced armor to evade bombs and bums, standard Styrofoam cups to hurl out the window; you Greenies better keep quiet or that fine Sooner Senator James Inhofe will drill your organic asses. Global warming is a myth being perpetuated by scuba divers and homosexuals.

Personally, I can think of nothing finer than picnicking with my wife Maude, eating rare veal with a spork off a plastic plate. Neither of us has ever tasted all of the oil that Mr. Jervey says goes into each utensil, not to mention the feeding and shipping of each delicious submissive morsel. Moreover, how dare the author speak for the rest of us, saying that we’d rather walk? One of the worst no-bid government contracts I ever received was for sidewalks in suburban Atlanta with an additional option for Phoenix. Have you seen these people? Blissfully rotund, succulent scraps of BBQ saved under their fingernails for later – Who could complain? Sitting with other members of the Board of Coca-Cola, debating our “Columbian death squad” problem, feeling the AC pulsing along with my pacemaker, I have felt no greater love.

In his eloquent environmental earnestness, Mr. Jersey does point to one problem that I do concur: You New Yorkers like to be stacked; thus making New York the most energy efficient city in America. Akin to detainees at GITMO, you all live too close, oftentimes on top of one another. This is a terrible waste of my energy investment: sharing heat, walking instead of driving, my plans for a liquefied natural gas terminal on Ellis Island will never be realized if you keep it up! Even the cuts in Amtrak that I’ve successfully lobbied for don’t change your “healthy” habits – Maybe more press releases from the Lincoln Group about Avian Flu will stop your straphanging ways. They’ll at least boost my Roche stock.

Even more frustrating is people like Mr. Jervey, himself, writing a guide that’s so easy to read, broken into tabbed, intuitive, sections for rapid perusing. The book’s price of $14.95 will only incite sales, as well as more misguided individual activism. Unfortunately, it also reinforces the premise of his book: How easy, little steps made daily make a big difference. My fellow Evangelicals are suddenly saying the same things, which only underscores the urgency to buy and burn “The Big Green Apple.”

I personally blame the terrorists, Joe Wilson and his wife. There should be a law against such words, but in the meantime, I have a call into Ann Coulter to counter Mr. Jervey’s arguments, as well as my favorite author, Michael Crichton, to commission a follow-up to his masterpiece “State of Fear.”

Still, I must thank Mr. Jervey for one thing: the comprehensive list of events and organizations he compiled and published will serve as a much-needed database of targets for our efforts. “The Big Green Apple” has put this anarchistic movement in the spotlight, but they’ll probably only use it to power their iPod porn. In the meantime, I have much to do: GM is planning cars powered by cellulite and Cheney wants to go quail hunting. I’m inviting Ben Jervey along; any of you “Greenies” are welcome too.

2006 Redux - 2007 Promises More, but "Hotter, Sexier..."

In an exclusive interview with 2007 AD, the new year promised another akin to 2006 AD but "hotter, sexier, faster..."

"What 2006 was to the world, 2007 will be much the same but delivered with a velocity that will boggle the mind." said the seventh year into the second millennia, "2006 was a big year - given the continued War on Terror, scandals, Sudan et al - but the lack of any major natural disasters offers great potential..."

With 3,000 deaths being surpassed at the end of 2006, as well as Saddam Hussein's hanging, 2007 begins with many hurdles to overcome, but the year remains undaunted:

"Look to China and the Arctic for my first major moves," teased 2007, "And with the Bush Administration about to announce another 30,000 troops being sent into Iraq, well, that's an area for tremendous chaos - much like Britney Spears..."

2006 could not be reached for comment, vanquished into memory, but 2007 specifically thanked the previous year for many building blocks, including "Mark Foley and North Korea, the Pope... These are the cornerstones for another year of greed, lust and fear; just think what Romania and Bulgaria will offer the EU and 2007? Iran, hello? Who knows what I, I mean, Putin, has up his sleeve?"