Don't Dare Live This Book - a book review by "Karl Rove"

Note: For those wondering where Karl Rove has been since the Dems defeated the GOP in the 2006 elections, well, he's been doing book reviews for www.bradthescribe.blogspot.com

Book Details:
"The Big Green Apple"
Subtitle: Your Guide to Eco-Friendly Living in New York City
AKA: Simple Ways You Can Make a Difference (and Why It’s a Good Idea)
Publisher: Insiders’ Guide; Imprint of Globe Pequot Press
Author: Ben Jervey
Price/Pages: $14.95/287 pages
Available on Amazon and everywhere, unfortunately...

I recently heard a rumor that if they built “The Freedom Tower” green, it would create enough renewable energy to power all of Ground Zero, maybe lower Manhattan up to Midtown. Not knowing what “green” means, I had to do a little digging...

Using existing technologies – extensive green roofs (I presume to grow marijuana and poppies), building-integrated photovoltaics, geothermal plumbing with high performing subterranean heat pumps – some believe this would be a true symbol of national pride and patriotism. Capped by a giant windmill, the renamed Revolution Tower (thus renaming the area “Rover Manhattan” for easier branding by my developer and real estate broker allies) to my astonishment, it was whispered, hot and wet into my ear, that this one structure would generate power and prestige with every turn.

Maybe I am inciting, even inventing, this rumor, but it could never compare to what we’re actually building on Ground Zero: a beautiful concrete-reinforced bunker rising to 1,776’, secured by my friends at KBR. For the uninformed, 9-11 widows endorse only fossil fuels, and we have the backing of most coal miners – albeit very few of their widows. Still, “The Freedom Tower” will rise: 4” blades will be allowed, but try entering with any of that photovoltaic glass and our men in brown shirts will break it!

My reason for sharing this rumor is to restate our plans, reinforce my patriotism, and denounce one particular book. I am opposed to environmental responsibility: It isn’t American. Sure, we’re addicted to oil, as my buddy Dubya recently misspoke, but if you’re truly honest with yourself, polar bears are dangerous beasts deserving extinction and “eco-friendly living” is an oxymoron: We won, nature lost.

Hippies, go buy a bag of goofballs; anyone talking “Green” is either a Dem donor or in cahoots with ELF – Just ask the FBI and NSA.

And now comes Ben Jervey and his book “The Big Green Apple.” For full disclosure, I do admit to meeting this man, smelled no body odor or patchouli; he was even wearing khakis! An impostor, clean-cut and articulate – armed to invade – I am calling on all Americans to buy and burn his book!

The nerve of an author to think big but act small – Go back to Walden Pond and write ballads with Don Henley, desperado! Telling me that Woody Harrelson’s Hemp suit could have been made of silk and equally “eco-friendly”! Citing “facts” about seven million of my New York neighbors riding mass transit! Obviously you’ve never ridden in my stretch Hummer limousine: Floating high above, reinforced armor to evade bombs and bums, standard Styrofoam cups to hurl out the window; you Greenies better keep quiet or that fine Sooner Senator James Inhofe will drill your organic asses. Global warming is a myth being perpetuated by scuba divers and homosexuals.

Personally, I can think of nothing finer than picnicking with my wife Maude, eating rare veal with a spork off a plastic plate. Neither of us has ever tasted all of the oil that Mr. Jervey says goes into each utensil, not to mention the feeding and shipping of each delicious submissive morsel. Moreover, how dare the author speak for the rest of us, saying that we’d rather walk? One of the worst no-bid government contracts I ever received was for sidewalks in suburban Atlanta with an additional option for Phoenix. Have you seen these people? Blissfully rotund, succulent scraps of BBQ saved under their fingernails for later – Who could complain? Sitting with other members of the Board of Coca-Cola, debating our “Columbian death squad” problem, feeling the AC pulsing along with my pacemaker, I have felt no greater love.

In his eloquent environmental earnestness, Mr. Jersey does point to one problem that I do concur: You New Yorkers like to be stacked; thus making New York the most energy efficient city in America. Akin to detainees at GITMO, you all live too close, oftentimes on top of one another. This is a terrible waste of my energy investment: sharing heat, walking instead of driving, my plans for a liquefied natural gas terminal on Ellis Island will never be realized if you keep it up! Even the cuts in Amtrak that I’ve successfully lobbied for don’t change your “healthy” habits – Maybe more press releases from the Lincoln Group about Avian Flu will stop your straphanging ways. They’ll at least boost my Roche stock.

Even more frustrating is people like Mr. Jervey, himself, writing a guide that’s so easy to read, broken into tabbed, intuitive, sections for rapid perusing. The book’s price of $14.95 will only incite sales, as well as more misguided individual activism. Unfortunately, it also reinforces the premise of his book: How easy, little steps made daily make a big difference. My fellow Evangelicals are suddenly saying the same things, which only underscores the urgency to buy and burn “The Big Green Apple.”

I personally blame the terrorists, Joe Wilson and his wife. There should be a law against such words, but in the meantime, I have a call into Ann Coulter to counter Mr. Jervey’s arguments, as well as my favorite author, Michael Crichton, to commission a follow-up to his masterpiece “State of Fear.”

Still, I must thank Mr. Jervey for one thing: the comprehensive list of events and organizations he compiled and published will serve as a much-needed database of targets for our efforts. “The Big Green Apple” has put this anarchistic movement in the spotlight, but they’ll probably only use it to power their iPod porn. In the meantime, I have much to do: GM is planning cars powered by cellulite and Cheney wants to go quail hunting. I’m inviting Ben Jervey along; any of you “Greenies” are welcome too.